You know, the longer I am alive the more surprised I seem to be with life. Especially lessons that I seem to have to learn over and over again. Now, maybe I am naive, or perhaps just plain dumb sometimes...but aren't we supposed to learn from our past mistakes and then move forward never to repeat them again? Well, not the case here. I will always be the first one to look at a situation and try to figure out what happened when things go South...what did I do or what could I have done differently. You know sometimes, most times, things really have nothing to do with you at all. Funny when you find out later the reasons for things.
I will say thought that I have been getting much better at filling my life up with the things that mean the most to me, the things that make me feel full, complete. Now for some this comes from relationships, their marriage, parenting, friendships, and I agree that those things can all be very fulfilling. But I've been thinking about that quite a bit recently and stringing your life's hopes and dreams on other people can be risky. I am not saying that those risks are a bad thing...I would never trade a day of being a mom in for ANYTHING! But what happens when my daughter, being the bright and wonderful child she is being raised to be, goes off into her own life? What happens to those hours and days that she fills up for me now? As she sat on my lap a few nights ago and I kissed her sweet little neck it just hit me. So I asked her..."What will Mommy do when you don't want to let me kiss your neck anymore?" Of course she answered.."Mommy, I will ALWAYS let you kiss my neck." I felt the tears well up because at 44 I know what's coming down the pike and that these times with her are fleeting.
So, if I don't think about this now when she's 5 am I doomed to be sitting, stunned and bereft, while away she goes into the world? Perhaps.
In any event, I am thinking about it now. I am coming up on a year anniversary of many changes in my life. About a year ago I got sick with the the flu, Influenza Type A to be exact. I had no idea the impact it would have on my life. Last Easter Sunday I was in bed at my mother in laws during Easter dinner with 104 degree fever. It was the start of a rough 6 months for me. I never recovered well from the flu. And finally was taken to the hospital into emergency with what everyone including my doctor thought was a heart attack. After tons of tests and probably the most frightening night of my life I was told that the bug had attacked my heart muscle. I was put on medication and told to take it easy, avoid stress, rest and get myself well.
Two weeks later we left for a 6 day trip to Disneyland. That was relaxing... By the time we got back I was so tired I thought I would sleep forever. Two days later I quit my job of 4+ years. No notice, nothing. It was an emotional decision but a good one for me. Later that summer I can remember being out in my yard, trying to plant flowers and after three minutes having to come in and lie down because I was so tired. But bit by bit my energy returned.
In August a friend of mine invited me to be her replacement in a scrapping group. She was moving out of town and thought I might be a good fit. I had stopped scrapping about a year before. I was fed up with always being behind and just felt that if I was never going to get caught up then it was pointless. I hemmed and hawed about going to the August group meeting but decided to try it out. But first I promised myself that there were no rules this time. I was not to care if everyone there weas scrapping pictures they took 2 days before with no stacks of 5 year old photos gathering dust in bags and dreawers. The heck with it...I was just going to scrap what and when I wanted. Period! I was not going to measure my sucess by how much I got done in a sitting.
What a change that made in my life, letting myself off my self-created hook. I forgot how rewarding it was for me to be creative. It amazes me that it was so easy for me to just give it up, fill my time with other things. Scrapping and altering have become my passion again and when I look back on this year, although not a perfect one, I have have many things to show for it. My work is making me happier by the day and my first layout I did last August after that year long break was just chosen as Gallery Pick of the Week on the Paper Popsicles Blog. I can't tell you how great that felt.
I have made many new friendships through my scrapping as well...some people I have met in person and some I know from online forums but they are all special and inspire me.
It just shows that we should never put our own loves and passions aside because we are busy being moms, wives, employees...whatever. We have to be, just for ourselves, to have our insides filled up. To be able to give the people in our lives the best part of ourselves.
If you got all the way through this...then thanks for reading!
